As a psychotherapist I met Miss Gray somewhere at the end of winter 2017. She was having terrible relationship issues and as an expert who trained Mystery himself I thought I could help the poor soul find love, or at least to get laid often enough for her not to complain so much and eat up my time that I felt better spent feeding the psyches of Fortune 500 executives. Boy, I never realized how amazing my advice was until I read her blog post before and after our session. The things she believed at first were mind bogglingly insultive not merely to the men whom she saw as untrained monkey-like animals, but also to her own sisterhood, girlfriends, mamas, divas, whatever the princess world likes to be addressed as these days.
Our sessions weren’t very involved in personal matters. I sat in a chair as she danced in front of me in the finest attire some clothing store she fancied professed was the latest trend setting standard for a modern feminista. Lauren was dressed to kill, and yet somehow, magically I suppose, even her finest threads yielded but a blind date. She was miserable and almost at the verge of tears when she saw me many times. We almost embraced as I felt quite sorry for her emotional state when she described all the beautiful men whom never paid attention to her, let alone even blinked when she coyly toyed with her flawlessly styled hair. So I decided to give her a few free sessions and help her become a supermodel, at least in the eyes of her class of males. After all, if you’ve labelled men as animals in your blogs, I don’t think I should teach you how to earn a high quality men at all nor are you ever going to be worth that brass ring.
I asked her to pick one of the men she absolutely felt bad about never dating and she picked Dustin. He was a charming late 20s computer fairy land coder, who programmed for a big company and always wanted to talk about the latest gadgets, happenings, and funding initiatives. He was abuzz with life, in and out of cyberspace, if wetware could be spliced with his hardware he would’ve been in the network just like Sun advertised. But dear Lauren called him a monkey and not a human, literally, she thought of him as a little tiny chimp climbing a tree of her love. If I recall correctly Lauren wrote that he was the kind of ape, hairy, with lots of hair everywhere, fit and all that, but he always talked of himself as other women gossiped to her. He never gave the ladies a chance to say anything about themselves. As if he was on a megaphone they all testified to her in their girl’s night outs. They even wrote a song about him and sang it mockingly, the lyrics went like this “la la la, look at me, la la la, check out my sexy bod, see how funny I am, la la la, ha ha ha, I’m so smart with my big job, I can achieve my goals and dreams, la la, la, la la, I am also silicon’s social magnite! la la la....” and Lauren even sang it so well I believe the damn tune wormed itself into my brain as I can hear the song even now. She said even though he was advertising himself, as if finding a wife was the most important thing in his life, somehow none of her girlfriends, err I mean divas, were interested in him and she wasn’t either anymore when she heard these tales. Though up to that point, she was ready to “drop the panties” as she put it. I naturally told her to tone it down as that was unprofessional language and she nodded and apologized.
As Lauren explained it, if I remember correctly, when any man is advertising himself to a lady such as her or her friends, he’s plopping his monkey hairy self into the spotlight of a poacher. And that’s never a good idea is it monkeys? All the monkeys in my cage that I can see through the window just nodded, even Ceasar. So I grasped the concept pretty well. A man can not say he is a God if a woman is to find him interesting. Miss Gray explained that such spotlight seeking men all the women classify into two and only two categories. Seems in her mind was a black and white reality whereby nothing else existed, no third dimension, no tenth heaven, no thousandth option, only one of two options. I confronted her about this limited thinking and she said not to be rude as there’s no other possible option and if I let her finish she would explain and that I would agree. So I apologized and let her finish.
She said the first option is that he’s not a monkey but a peacock whom the woman is only interested in at that very moment because her previous boyfriend was a smaller animal, such as a pheasant, or a budgie. Women like to classify men as animals and they like to climb through the jungle one animal at a time the way Shaolin monks climb steps to the temple. She said Dustin, if he was a peaccock now, and was trumping himself so poignantly the woman might sleep with him but the next guy might appear as an Eagle and the peacock will be disposed of. it seems size does matter to these types of women, as does wallet thickness, and similar qualities. Lauren explained that these women classify Dustin as a jungle animal and thus he will get nowhere if he’s looking for a real relationship, but he might be interesting as only a meager one night stand, which isn’t any fun at all. The point of life isn’t endless sexual experiences but long lasting relationships. For you see, Lauren is a deeply religiously devout followed of very specific doctrines and nobody whom she is with is allowed to have very differing views. I was a bit bored of this explanation for it was so primitive I lacked the words but contained myself out of professional courtesy and asked for what other way do her and her cohorts perceive Dustin other than as a jungle animal for climbing through the ladder of life?
She floored me with her next explanation. Before she explained it she said, if a man is perceived as an animal then the women look at him the way vets look at animals, judging even the penis size and when a larger is available they move to the larger. This floored me as I never knew women to be this shallow, vain, and disrespectful, but I suppose given today’s terrorism, crime, and hatred, even women have found equality in the world of the small I suppose. Then she explained the other option for Dustin. If Dustin preaches how wonderful of a catch he was, yet another animal analogy, having compared him to a monkey I suppose fish made him even smaller of a life form, she said many women will be turned off from a long lasting relationship. I inquired if this meant the women would want only a short relationship, and she nodded, but dear and poor Lauren couldn’t grasp that both options she was presenting were identical. In her mind they were different, yet they are identical. She clarified and said women who aren’t looking for one night stands are avoiding monkeys, peacocks, but looking for fish in the sea. I was puzzled, as I thought the bigger the animal the more powerful it was in the jungle, right? But Lauren said, no no no, this was my limited thinking, and she got me there pretty good. She said this was the other other jungle, not the same one. I didn’t know my fantasy worlds turns out. This was an aquatic kingdom where being a fish was way better than being a whale but not as good as being a squid. Or something like that, and I suddenly imagined the worst tentacle porn I had ever accidentally stumbled upon as the poor confused woman continued explaining her deepest problems. My mind was racing trying to block out our Lord and Hollyness the flying sphagetti monster embracing a Japanese schoolgirl, but well it was no help, I had to take a little bathroom break right there while Lauren gathered her thoughts. I adjusted my tie and suit and returned all focused and zenned out.
I finally grasped the concept as in my bathroom I do have some fish decorations and I thought about it deeply while doing my business and she is right. There can be other kingdoms other than the jungle and animal ones science talks about. Why can’t there be an aquatic world where the order of life is how a woman wants it to be? After all, we men are all serving the needs of women with our every waking moment, are we not men? We provide national defense, fix the potholes, mine the mines, clean the oceans and the rust from the ships, we defend them and ourselves at nights and in winter storms, we fix poles and even provide therapeutic sessions, unless some tentacles distract us, obviously. So I sat down and apologized and we continued the last few minutes of our now quite interesting session. As she explained it, in Indian villages monkeys get all the attention when they want to steal the fruit, they even distract the owners of market spaces with decoys. So she said to a monkey “it’s all about me” and thus Dustin turned her off. For her to have been seriously interested and tempted to date Dustin the verdict would have been “it’s all about you baby” instead. But he showed little interest in the women’s lives and mostly talked about himself. Thus Dustin was deemed non-datiua-personna in their druidic womanly speak. Sometimes I wonder if we’re even the same species to be honest but that’s another topic altogether.
I wantd to cut through the clutter for Lauren so I asked her to list to me what makes a man attractive to her and I joked by asking if after she lists her terms for the bar every man must meet if she would kindly let me know if I matched any of those points. She laughed and explained. She said unlike in various fantasy kingdoms men have built in their minds of how women work, women actually need an entire show just to flirt with a man. I asked her if that wasn’t a little bit unfair, but she confronted me and said the shows we put on for women are fine, for animals, but for human women much more is needed. For men, as we’re all vain, we know if we like a woman the moment we see her, we’re apparently that shallow, simplistic, and surface-based. She said it was our insanity that made us believe women were just as judgmental as to be attracted to men for the same reason. Women were way more elegant, stylish, and mature, and needed a much deeper connection than the “animals” that “looked at them” while sharpening their “claws”. These were her words I’m quoting here. I would have expressed shock but I am bound by a code of conduct after all, so I merely gave her a verbal pat on the back for standing up for herself and her kindred spirits. She told me it’s because women, unlike men, value things in a very proper way, a very real way, a way that is not demeaning nor abusive. After all, seeing a woman as a piece of meat for only sexual purposes was pointless and a waste of life. We were not born to do “that thing”. Life was so much more, was it not to me as well, she asked. I agreed, obviously out of a desire to stay in business and continued listening intently. She continued to blow my mind saying a man can be rich, intelligent, and have tremendous credentials and have spent decades studying and helping the world, the poor, and a woman may still not find him interesting. She said it was kind of like a magic thing. It’s not based on looks, it’s not based on money, it’s honestly, Merlin-like stuff. Not even the chained dragon was able to offer advice whom I called with a flick of a finger aimed at the monkeys in the cages across my window. Cesar looked quite confused, too, I might add, despite his latest dose of mind expanding substances. She said women, unlike we primitive men, need another special custom made piece of the puzzle, that no mere mortal can attain with ease. She said what I will never forget and framed on my bathroom wall near the fishes. Women like men not because of what they say but because of how they listen. Imagine that, there is some special way I can orient my antennas as a bottom feeding sea urchin and a woman will know that only I was meant for her heart, her spirit, her soul, for these sixty years we have to share on this little tiny rock. Only me and her were meant to spend over three hundred days for sixty years together, nobody else, never, ever, nowhere, no how. This is a woman’s fantasy, a dream, it’s kinda like keeping that dragon in that castle where Merlin was desperately trying to save it. Only to a woman saving that dragon is a sin. She wants the dragon in that place forever until his dying breath and there’s no other way of looking at life. King Arthur stuck the dragon down there, punished everyone who use magic and even Merlin would be killed if he’s found even speaking with the poor soul. This is Lauren’s dream, this is what love is to this woman and those she hangs out with. Miss Gray believes in one love, a long relationship, and damned be all those who aren’t fish in her sea, or monkey in her jungle, or whatever fantasy realm she conjures up in our next session.
But then she started talking about the AquaMiles system for this kingdom. I had to call upon the sacred Ying powers from the Shaolin temple where I learned and taught Gong Fu just to contain by subsonic laughter. Apparently women keep a points system mentally for everything a man does, it’s like a little psychogame in their heads. For everything a man does he gets one point, and for all the wrong things, he, well, she didn’t explain that bit. Women are nice so they don’t take away points I guess, unlike us men, we often live in debt for most of our lives, financially, romantically, and sometimes even spiritually, just to fix this angelic heavenly haven we all share. To earn an AquaMile so you can fly to her little exotic island of fun and pleasure you have to do the following things perfectly. Listen without interrupting, and I guess I failed this one. You must hold eye contact, and as a blind man I failed this one, too. Dustin failed because he didn’t ask her a question only talked about himself. I think I got points here as I ask many questions during therapy sessions. Now this one is interesting, she said double AquaMiles are earned if a man opens a car door with the proper hand but only one point if it’s the wrong hand. I didn’t want to interrupt her as she seemed on a roll. Lauren is like that, she’s motivated, high spirited, and loves to explain herself. I started thinking of my dear sifu and how he taught us how to listen to the wings of a far away butterfly during a hurricane and how much fun it was just to imagine every little atom.. oh wait Lauren had more pointers for point systems in her mind. This one I should have known but I never have done it as I have yet to see a woman smilling at me to try it. She said many points are awarded if a compliment is uttered at a woman, but it’s a sliding scale like with my manager. See the better my patients perform the more money I make, similarly the more genuine the compliment and the more like a Goddess the woman feels after hearing it the more AquaMiles you can earn on your DateCard. Then she made a kissy gesture at me and said “You’d have earned many points Dr. B for asking me all these questions. If Dustin did all these things I mentioend he’d have gotten a kiss at the end of the night”. If Dustin got a kiss and earned more points after he’d have heared Lauren’s deepest secret which I knew but due to a certain NDA contract I signed when I became a therapist I can’t write about it. It’s nothing gross nor nasty but still it’s her secret. Then she amazed me and said unlike most women, she needed Dustin and others she was interested in to earn a million points and then only would she fall in love with them. To me a points system has nothing to do with love the way food stamps have nothing to do wtih respecting the poor, but Lauren was Lauren and nobody else was like her. She was a unique cosmic dust flake that never existed before and will never exist again. She was the light of Jesus itself and the spirit of the Shalakazoo all rolled into one. She was unique. I, turns out, had to earn points. I asked her if she could summarize it in an executive statement what would it be. Miss Gray adjusted her skirt, fidgeted her legs and adjusted her shoulders, and said “It’s not about the man showing off as much as it is about paying attention to her”. I thought to myself, that this all boils down to her not wanting the man in the spotlight but herself. Quite disappointing.
It all boiled down to Lauren’s final explanation. Instead of yourself put the woman on a pedestal, a spotlight, and a soapbox all at once, make sure you build a good enough scaffolding so she doesn’t fall while yelling at you from a megaphone, then she will trust you. When she trusts you she will open her heart to you. And only then, after her heart is open, will she appreciate you as a monkey, a fish, or a peacock, or whatever other fantasy kingdom... hmm.. Cesar just threw poop at the window, excuse me. I will be back but as for Lauren I think she’s okay now, she laughed at the splatter and unlike most women who are grossed out and never return at Cesar’s ploy to never get me laid, it looks like I will see Lauren for another dat...err session.
p.s. this is the last time I’m taking patients on from Mars or Venus or whatever dating planet you’re on. I prefer Earth women who aren’t this complex. I don’t even collect Optimum points for crying out loud!
With Love,
Dr. B
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