One of my first ever fun experiences upon immigrating to Canada was a ride on the subway to some magical stop and buying a skateboard. I believe this was for my birthday on the third day of living here amongst you Torontonians. It was this unreal experience. Apparently there are trains that go under the ground, there are lights in them, people sit in nice comfy chairs, doors slide open like on Star Trek’s space ships, and nobody knows how the entire vehicle moves nor how it stops at stops as the driver does not exist nor is even visible - almost like magic. And even more surreal is that all the people know where to exit, as some leave at one stop and others at another, and even my family knew what stop had a skateboard shop! But little ol’ me, I just knew it was really loud and more exciting than anything else I ever experienced. This was my first subway ride on the TTC in July of 1990. And it was awesome. Certainly I must have seen subways in movies, but I also saw Godzilla, doesn’t mean either existed does it? But now at least the smaller beast did.
And while certainly things do not have to change, nor improve, for me to appreciate them - Guns’N’Roses single Paradise City is just as good today as when I heard it as a kid - there is something to be said for a growing city that depends on an urban transportation infrastructure which does not change ever. The song about this amazing city does not need to change because the more people listen to it the more they are in that city, sorta. It’s like a magic portal of sorts, Axel’s voice takes us to a happy place for many whom enjoy the tune. And because it is music, and that is a type of magic, it can take a billion passengers there without even a single traffic delay. But subways are not magic. And the more of us pile into them, the less it is a magical experience. I recall a while ago before the new streetcars were deployed in Toronto some guesstimate of its capacity being at around 150 passengers per vehicle. And I laughed at this after seeing them. It feels as if some dummy whom never rides these things conceived them and calculated it the same way a butcher calculates how much my kebobs weight. It’s a laboratory number and has no bearing on reality. Here’s how I would have calculated it. Take a chubby Canadian woman, breasts, makeup, cosmetics, perfume, excess fat, clothes to hide the fat, a winter coat, a backpack for school full of stuff and things and junk, add some oversized boots and a loose scarf and a funky hat - now how many of these Canadians can you average streetcar carry? Is it still one hundred and fifty? Sure is, especially if you ignore buffer space between people, breathing room, walking room, personal space, oh and I forgot, if you ignore the fact that some space should be empty so that people can feel at ease. If you ignore all of these requirements of human life during transportation then most certainly your estimate of 150 passengers is accurate, oh wise leadership. Also do not forget some seats should be empty, as some of us, carry more than one backpack. Sometimes we have tourists whom have big airport luggage and are not rich enough for even a taxi. How did you planners forget all of these details? I’m just a disabled Canadian without even a high school and I laughed at your claims in The Toronto Star, but you all thought you built something beautiful. And you did, a beautiful depictio nof how incompetent you all are. But there’s more, allow me to explain, as now you have already spent billions on these useless streetcars so now there’s no going back. And yes, they are very ugly, but pride will prevent most Torontonians from agreeing. Maybe because the outside is slick and looks futuristic?
Then you went ahead and prison screwed us all in the anus with the Presto card. I even heard you will be doing away with tokens! I am considering framing a few tokens as a reminder of when people were sane. You know, so future generations whom take over can maybe if they’re lucky undo your hasty work and greedy dealings and return back to a token-like time of love and unity and ‘90s magic. Allow me to explain for those whom built Presto are cluebags. Let’s say our chubby Canadian chick is losing weight, as she should be. And she goes to a friend’s house to chat about the latest diets, which obviously are all non-sense, as losing weight has to do not with diets but with physical activity and knowledge of nutrition. So she gets there and chats, and they both get invited to a party. So they go and they party, as all Canadians love to do. That’s now two Presto swipes. Except it’s Friday, and she’s not the richest member of our lovely little village. So the two rides were meant for going to her friends and returning. She was going to load more rides over the weekend when she either got paid or her family gave her the usual chomp change. But she wasn’t planning that far ahead. So now at the party it got real late and it’s around midnight. And she gets invited to another party, as often happens. With tokens, she’d just say “Yo, anyone got a spare token?” and that would be the end of it. Or change. Or you know, someone would give something. But you can’t send Presto rides. And even if you could, it requires a cell phone, and an app, and an Internet connection and electricity and fingers and eyes and a brain and patience to navigate the interface and lack of hackers and no crashing and battery juice. All of that just to go from one party to another? Weren’t simple tokens and cash easier? What once was a reliance on a tiny round piece of reusable and washable metal, is now reliance on an architecture meant to survive nuclear warfare in delivering communication between Americans and Russians. Do you folks not see the problem here still? And what if she gets to go to someone’s place after the second party? Then what, another Presto hassle? Cash and tokens make more sense, but the leadership once again is superior in it’s logic and grasps these facts not. I haven’t even covered yet the fact that it’s now 7am and she has to return home before her parents see an empty bedroom, did I? Where in God’s green Earth did any of you get power over Torontonians to make these dumb changes to our daily lives is beyond my comprehension and intellect skills.
Besides, if we’re going to swipe a card so that we don’t lose tokens, why not just use the card that already is swippable and works perfectly and does not require loading? Interac Flash, you know, that thing that already has money? There is even a rapid version of the Flash technology that works twice as fast and does not require confirmations and so forth. Why would we have a card when money works so much easier. It’s the entire point of money, it’s barter in a fair measurable way. Why have virtual tokens on a card via a barter-style currency model? Are you people out of your freaking minds? What’s that? Will the brave and the strong deploy as our navy sharks with freaking laser beams and a giant set of oceanic mirrors to save costs? I sure liked Canada better in the ‘90s, how about you? Granted, sitting in a tiny booth and collecting fares is so unfavourable of a job that even men try to avoid it, but unless our famed U of T CompSci people get their shtick together and make a cash machine with all this technology instead of playing Magic endlessly, someone’s gotta man this post (don’t be hatin’ feminists) until the geeks figure out a better solution. Besides, it’s nice to be greeeeeeeted when entering a place. It’s why hotels used to have greeters and the good ones still do and always will. We all love coming home to something other than an empty space, so a human face at a subway station is always nice to see, at least for me. I was only once in San Francisco and it did not feel human at all. The station was all automated, plastic red gates, and just a phone to some dude in some invisible cubicle in case I needed human contact. No my idea of a friendly place, sorry America. Perhaps that is part of the problem? Perhaps it’s American vibe that the Toronto radio is tuned to and we simply need to dial in to some friendly chum somewhere.
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